Sunday, March 11, 2012


     Christmas is only a few weeks away and Ophelia and I have managed to sell off a few things.  Ebay and Craigslist are our main avenues of selling, but this economic climate has made it difficult to catch a fair price for our stuff.  It seems as if everyone is selling and very few are buying.  Those that are buying are making a killing.  I am not bitter about that though as this whole ordeal has given me a new perspective on life.  This recession or more accurately, depression, has taught me that material possessions do not make one successful, happy and whole.  I have spent the last few years foolishly believing that acquiring material things fulfilled me in some way or another.  I had basically given up on my dreams by laboring at a job I had never really enjoyed just to accumulate more crap and have an overpriced one-bedroom condo to keep it all in.  My possessions had possessed me and now I can admit that fact and start anew by letting go of it all.      If it wasn’t for this trip I think I would just give all this crap away.  There are those who are in far worse shape than Ophelia and I and it would fill my heart with joy to donate it all.  Christmas time tends to make me want to extend a helping hand to those in need, but I do want to take this trip and I must be selfish in order to make it happen.  It is a shot at freedom for the both of us, a freedom that will give us each a better sense of self and purpose.  That is my hope as I want both of us to find out who we are before committing to marriage.  I do not want to marry someone just for the sake of doing what everyone perceives as the natural order of things and I do not want to settle for a life that does not fulfill me.  I had settled for a mundane life though and had put my dreams on hold for a woman and a salary.  I do love Ophelia, but the beliefs we have about what is important in life differs considerably.  My hope is that we both find an answer that will make us truly happy and content no matter if it means an end to our relationship or not.
     I once believed I had a handle on that, but somewhere along the line I let go.  I compromised is what I did.  I let my dreams slip wayside as my duties and pay increased.  I had never planned on being an engine rebuilder when I took the job as a parts driver.  I had no interest in horsepower or torque and I certainly had no interest in wrenching-it for the rest of my life.  I took the job as I was broke and all I wanted to do was earn enough money to hit the road again.  I moved up quickly in the company though and it wasn’t long before I settled on just traveling for two weeks a year.  The extra pay did allow me to attend some literature and art classes at the local college and I was happy with all that for a little while.